Yeah yeah I know – anxiety is the opposite of grace. worry doesn’t empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength – yes. You’re right. But at 3:30 this morning, all the transcendental knowledge and wisdom and grace in the world abandoned me as I rode the waves of an anxiety attack the likes of which I’ve not experienced at all in my 30s.
I had been struggling with the anxiety for almost a full week. But the longer I struggled, the more my brain spiraled out of control. What started as just too much work product in too few days triggered a “hey, i got out of public accounting to get away from this insanity” and landed me in an exponentially magnified existential crisis by my boss asking me one question about one error from 14 months ago. (Big words = I had an attack of the who am I & why am I here & why can’t I ever do anything right crazies!)
Boom a tailspin was born & it didn’t recede til this morning when I made sure with my boss that we were all good. (If you don’t know the anxiety tailspin, I’ll spare you the mental drama. If you do know it, that’s all the description you needed).
Ordinarily I wouldn’t share that on my blog. But Lisa-Jo Baker’s post about Mom Guilt reminded me of the tailspon.
You can read her post here – lisa jo
Why did it remind me of that? Because somehow I hauled my head out of my asinine tailspin before I got one of those “mom-portunities” to respond the “right” way to my daughter when she needed her momma to tell her it was going to be ok, to help her find humor and to be proud of her for doing what she believed was right.
There’s always mom guilt –
1) I cheated on my diet & had a bagel for breakfast *ooooohhhh* and
2) I sometimes take 15 extra minutes in the morning and let the dog go with us on the drive to school *bad mommy* and
3) I think that rotten eCard “children shouldn’t sacrifice so you can have the life you want, you should sacrifice so your children have the life they deserve” needs a footnote that says “this message is intended for deadbeat parents, do not take it as a verbal assault against relocating, having a career, being in school, not having 3 ponies & a unicorn, etc”
But at the end of the day, all moms pray in the same language: Lord I’m tired. Please watch over my family so I can sleep. Thank you for our blessings, our gifts, and the mysteries of the world around us so that we may be infatuated with a world of wonder and grace; not a world of fear & power mongering & terror & war. Amen.