After – #FMF

This has been sitting on my screen for a while this morning … I wasn’t intentionally writing it for Five Minute Friday: After … and I’ve never blogged about anything this personal … but this morning I was talking with a friend and it occurred to me when I was done that it was really fitting for “AFTER” … because I’ve finally be graduated from Therapy long enough to reach out a hand to help another up … and maybe this will reach someone else who needed to hear it (God please don’t let my daughter be the next poster in #FMF, I really don’t want to go through that today … M, if you’re next, just ignore this, please, it is not permission for you to cuss in your blog) 

So anyway … the conversation I was having with my friend was time-stamped so here’s a 5 minute-ish chunk that, IMHO, fits today’s #FMF

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It took me a long time to trust that sometimes shit really just does happen

 

not like abuse, but that shitty situations sometimes arise that aren’t our choosing/doing

 

and that it’s our choice to face & overcome or to sit down on the carpet like a beaten puppy and piss ourselves so that we just get beaten over and over and over again

 

i think that’s part of why it bugs me so much when people “blame” God for their problems

 

because I had to learn to forgive GOD for letting that happen to me

 

I had to learn to understand that maybe God didn’t change my circumstances (I prayed night & day for my abuser to get divorced) because He had some other idea in mind or whatever

 

I can’t pretend to know the will or plan of the Lord

 

but ultimately I got to a point where I could forgive myself for having been a helpless child-victim by finding the skills/power/passion through therapy and prayer and healing to break the cycle

 

in my generation for the first time in our family’s history, the mom isn’t an abusive alcoholic codependent psychopath

 

I’m a lot of negative things – fat, lazy, selfish, bitchy, rude, crude, condescending, judgmental, bitchy, slovenly, prone to fits of sloth and gluttony (yeah that’s my story and I’m sticking to it … LOL)

 

and I’m some positive things too

 

but at the end of the day – what I’m not is far far far more powerful than what I am …

 

I am NOT AN ABUSER

 

that is the victory speech right there

believe me I’m far far far far far from perfect as a parent

 

but at the end of the day, that to me is a huge success

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and for a goodly part of my adult life THAT was my only success

I had to achieve that before I could achieve success in school or my career or my volunteer life

 

I pray that you find a day when you realize that all of a sudden, you’ve been given the gift/blessing/grace of self-forgiveness

 

that your cross is lifted off your back and it has been replaced with just a small scar (metaphorical, don’t cut yourself) to remind you not to perpetrate those acts of abuse which caused you so much pain and sorrow and suffering and dare I say madness and self loathing

 

a wise person once told me “we are closest to Christ when we suffer” – on one hand that sounds pretty damn wise …  it explains where Jesus was all those times when I was praying like I was possessed as a child

 

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